Well, come tomorrow, we will have been an "active" foster home in the system for 2 weeks. And it's still the three of us Allens. Which is really ok. That being said, there are mixed emotions/thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. Such as:
Why can't we get our arms around that baby already?!
Wow, I'm kinda glad it hasn't happened yet because things have been crazy busy and I still don't think I'm ready for this!
Moriah is gonna be such an awesome big sister. She can't wait and it's so sweet how she keeps asking about "the baby."
Will this be the last night that she's our only one? The last time I rock her and put her to bed without another child needing Mama too? (insert tears from Mama: WAAAAAH, BOOHOO, WAAAAH!)
What is happening in Baby's life right now that is going to bring him to us? Lord please protect and surround him. Bring him to us gently. Bring him quick! Please!
Oh no! What are we going to do about childcare?! We are on 3 waiting lists right now!
After all the running around and scrambling over the last months to get our biographies written, house & marriage & personal lives thoroughly inspected, multiple trainings complete, mounds of paperwork turned in, TB tests taken, FBI background checks run, more paperwork, baby room ready, a teaspoon of blood from a witch's pinky toe collected in a crystal vial (well maybe not that), we were finally certified and ready! Ready to foster-to-adopt! Bring on the baby!
Except not.
Now we wait.
And sometimes get the phone-calls-that-make-your-adrenaline-shoot-up-sky-high-only-to-deflate.
We've gotten two of those calls so far in these last two weeks. Without going into too much detail, one was a heartbreaking call about 2 boys we did not feel prepared/at peace to be able to parent in the current context of our family situation. The next phone call a week later, we said "yes" to 2 brothers, a toddler and baby, but found out a couple hours later that the caseworker found a home closer to the biological family and so we did not get the placement.
Either way, it's awakened my consciousness, once again, to the reality that every night across this state and this country (not to mention the world!), caseworkers are frantically calling, trying to secure a home for a baby/toddler/siblings/child/teenager who is sitting in their office....sometimes dirty, hungry, confused, missing their mama, scared, or maybe even relieved... who will travel that very evening to a family and a home they have never known.
And so we continue to wait, trusting that the time will come when it's meant to be. (It's kinda like being 9 months pregnant and not knowing "when will be the night" that you'll go into labor and bring a baby home). Except I haven't been pregnant for 9 months with a baby inside, continually reminding me with her kicks and moves and hiccups (and early contractions!) that she is there. Which is a little surreal sometimes!
So I try to keep that balance of "reminding myself" that at any time we could become the parents of another child, while also trying not to be overanxious or think too much about it. My mom recently shared a devotion with me about waiting that was so relevant to this waiting season and many other waiting seasons as well:
As you walk with God you'll find that you spend more time waiting than you do receiving. And when you receive what you're waiting for, then you'll begin waiting for something else! So if you don't learn to wait with joy, you'll live in frustration. Paul writes, "Let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Gal. 6:9). "Due season" is when God knows the time is right, not when you think it is. God has a set time for accomplishing things in your life, so you might as well settle down and wait because that's when it will happen, and not before. God knows what you need, when you need it, and how to get it to you. You ask, "What am I supposed to do while I'm waiting?" Trust Him. One Bible teacher writes: "God has taught me to keep living the life I now have while I'm waiting for the things that are in my heart to come to pass. We become so intent on trying to give birth to the next thing, that we neither enjoy nor take care of the things at hand. I had a vision from God ten years before I began to see it fulfilled. During those years I believe I missed a lot of joy by trying to give birth outside of God's timing. Learn to enjoy where you are, while you are waiting to get to where you want to be."
If that's not a timely word, I don't know what is! Here's to being a Good Waiter.
(And I have to admit, the waiting's not near as bad when you've got someone this precious to wait with. Here's proof):
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