Well, we're doing it again. Foster parenting. No surprise there...Billy and I have always thought we would foster again and/or adopt eventually. In "our plans" (insert laughter), however, we thought we would adopt "after we had our biological children."
Sort of a "Phase 1- Bio children, Phase 2- Adopt" Plan. Makes sense, right?
Plans are funny that way.
As many know, I had a heckuva time getting pregnant with Moriah. Thanks to the Good Lord and modern medicine it happened. Then the pregnancy had its complications, including 3 trips to the hospital prior to having her, with 2 of those trips involving hospital stays. And lots of bedrest. LOTS of bedrest. Makes me shudder just thinking about it. But oh what a precious, "perfect," beautiful, wonderful gift came out of all that...our sweet Moriah Grace.
Fast forward another year and some months later when we went back to the doctor and started the process of trying again. Without going into all the details, it involved the next year of medicine, counting days, bloodwork, ultrasounds, pregnancy tests, more medicine, more counting, more bloodwork, more ultrasounds, more pregnancy tests, etc. I know so many people go through much, much more than I did, and for so much longer. But 12 months was enough for us. After soul-searching, prayer, tears, and talks, we believed we were being led to move "Phase 2" (adoption) up a little quicker in our plans than we had originally thought. Not a Plan B, just a "bumping up" of Phase 2. Grin.
Fast forward to today. The last 6 months have brought us through a journey of exploring various adoption options and feeling led to pursue the foster-to-adopt path this go-round. With a child 12 months or younger. It will be fun and interesting to see what happens!
Now for a little question and answer session. The purpose of this is hopefully to shed some light and answer some questions that many people feel uncomfortable asking (notice I said many people...some folks have no problem asking anything. lol. And that's ok too). We are advocates of fostering and adoption and love to build more awareness, as well as learn from others. So I'm just gonna go ahead and tackle the elephants in the room, at the risk of being rather vulnerable and open:
Do you get paid to foster parent? Yes, I'm "going there" on the money question because many people want to know. : ) Yes, we do get paid a stipend. (It is public information on the DFPS website). When one chooses to foster parent, they are providing a "service" for the state of Texas as they are basically providing around-the-clock care for children. You are opening your home and your family to scrutiny, inspections, and risks. You are choosing to forego your privacy and give your time, energy, heart, and soul to another human being. You are taking on the responsibility of a human life. You will be asked to validate and sometimes "prove" you are a good parent. You will need to keep up with and show the correct documentation for a myriad of things. I say all this with an informative mindset, not a "defensive" or "offended" mindset. : )
Do you do it for the money? hahaha. With all that is involved I don't know how some people would think that "this was the thing to get into" for the money. If it was such a great way to "make money" then I question why there is such a shortage of foster parents. (One could make more at McDonald's with much less risk/effort involved than foster parenting a child). That being said, it is a question that still lingers and unfortunately there are some foster parents out there that are not the best representatives of the rest of us in the "foster world" in this regard.
Do I counsel "for the money?" Did I teach "for the money?" Is Billy going to be a deaf interpreter "for the money?" Do you do your job "for the money?" Well no and yes. Is it a bad thing to earn some money while performing a service/ministry you feel called to do? Should people not be paid for their jobs because to be paid would equate to "doing it for the money?" I think not. I count it a privilege to be able to do something I love to do while also being able to help provide for my family in the meantime. I also count it a privilege and blessing that we are able to make it fine financially without a foster parenting stipend. (In fact, in our agency, you have to prove that you are making it just fine financially without foster money prior to being approved). Once you adopt, however, you do not receive the foster stipend.
Have we heard the "horror stories" of people who fostered a baby from the time they left the hospital only to have to "give them back" months later? Yes. I just spoke to a family friend this weekend who took in twin baby boys from the hospital as newborns, and had to "give them back" to an elderly relative of the boys when they were 18 months old. This, of course, was devastating. This is one of a number of stories we've heard.
Have we heard the awesome stories of people who were able to foster-to-adopt successfully? Yes. Awesome. We have some of those in our family as well.
Do we know what will happen in our case? No. It's very hard to predict.
Will this (fostering, fostering-to-adopt) affect our biological daughter? Yes. It will affect us all in many ways regardless of what the "end outcome" is. Our prayer, although I know many times we fall short, is that she will grow up in a family where she sees firsthand the love of Christ and compassion for others. Where she learns to give and make room for others, and to one day rely on her faith in God to be the one steady thing in a world of uncertainty. Where she learns that obedience trumps "risk management," and faith overcomes fear. God help us show that to her.
Do the risks change the fact that this is what we believe we are supposed to do? Nope.
Are you scared? Helicopter yeah! Yes I'm scared and some of the possibilities make me cry. I would be lying if I said I had 100% faith and no fear about this. Hello I'm human! Hello I would like to adopt a baby! I would prefer not to "lose" one (in my selfish mind). Just being honest. Have I thought about the "worst possible" scenarios? Yes, but what's the point of dwelling on that when I have no control over it either way? Just as I don't have any control over how long my biological child is with me! Why do we have the illusion that we have more control over some things than others when we really have no control at all? This has been a realization for me through this process. All of the people and blessings in our lives are gifts. Gifts that we've been entrusted with for a time, a time we have no control over.
Aren't you going to be so mad if the bio parents "get the baby back?" I can't say for sure because I'm not in the situation now, but I will say this. I have had the privilege, yes the PRIVILEGE, to meet several of the bio parents of our former foster children. Did some of their choices make me upset? Yes! Was I mad at them or did I hate them? No. I found them to be kind, loving people who loved their kids but got caught up in some things that caused them to make decisions they regretted terribly. Many of them loved their kids with all they could, but it was a broken, unhealthy love at times. They needed help. And yes, their children needed to be protected from that "broken" love for a time.
When you think about it, adoption is oftentimes born out of a tragedy. I do not believe it was God's original design for a family to break apart and for parents to not be able to raise their children, whether due to circumstances they've chosen or ones out of their control. Either way, it's heartbreaking. To think that I would "wish" for a parent to have negative things happen in their life so that I can "have" their child is a little twisted. If they are able to raise their child from a healthy place then that truly is what's best (gulp). That being said, I think God can bring forth a beautiful thing out of any tragedy or crisis and that He does this with adoption. And I think it's a wonderful thing. And I would love to be apart of it if that's the plan.
What if you try this and "lose" the first 3 babies that are placed with you? Wow. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or what the outcome will be or how long we will be called to do this. Maybe our purpose will be to provide a loving safe home for a child for a season. (And I type that trembling, by the way, not just some rote answer). I do know that in many steps up until this point, it's like God was shining a flashlight right in front of our next step. So we took that next step and then the light extended a little bit more. And then we took the next step. So now, as of tomorrow, we will be considered "active" in the state computer system, and I hope and pray the "flashlight" will extend out to our "next step" if/when we get that next phone call. From there we will continue to take one step at a time. Where exactly it will lead, we don't know.
When will you get the baby? We don't know. It could literally be days, weeks, or months. And we can't wait!!! Moriah is so excited. She keeps saying "hold baby's hand, be gentle, kiss baby, hug baby, my hold baby, my big sister," etc. I know she is going to be such a wonderful big sister and helper for Mama and Daddy!
So, as I bring this to a close, I ask that if you don't mind, you send a little prayer our way. Pray for that precious baby, that God would bring them gently to us in His timing and that we would love them with all we've got for whatever time we have them. And while we're at it, that we'll remember to love each other that way too. With everything we've got, for whatever time we have.
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